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Why Me? =/
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May. 18th, 2008 | 02:17 pm
Mood: 
sad
Ehh..I just feel like I really need to vent or something, I've been feeling really crappy this weekend, and I'll tell you exactly why.
All my life, I've basically been pushed around, bullied, beat up, you name it. I've been a target since Primary, crazy right?
I am now just finishing up my 11th grade in HS, it still happens, but this is where the worst part comes in.
For a while at home now, maybe the last two or three years, I've almost never have been able to have a single conversation with my mother without her yelling the hell out of me for something small.
For instance, I once didn't know of the existence if a 'sock basket' which was in the laundry room, and she decides to yell at me for not knowing where it was since I am never in there anyways.
Theres many other smaller instances such as that one, but thats the one that really gets me, something REALLY stupid, and getting yelled at for it.
The worst of all this is my lack of ability to do what I like with myself, I used to have my computer in my room, but I kept staying on late at night on it, but it never effected my grades or anything, not a bit, but she decides to move it into the basement anyways, and then she took it away for nearly 2 weeks so I would get on a normal sleeping cycle that makes no difference at all for me getting out of bed.
I've had the wanting to leave this stupid house for over a year now, since all anyone treats me like is a waste of their time, even my sisters are like that. I'm basically just a burden to anyone in my family here, usually while I always try to find people online to chat with, because thats the only place that I never get judged and people will actually listen or appreciate me for who I am, someone who is always willing to help others in need whenever I can.
This is the part that really has put me over the edge for wanting to leave here, and I will direct quote this from an IM with a friend yesterday(whom offered that if they had a place, they would let me stay).
- (5:15:55 PM) Trauron: so I was pulled upstairs for the last 45minutes, so my mom could barge through my room and look through all my stuff, and yell at me constantly over little things like batteries being on my bureau or a few pieces of newspaper on my desk (which I could of used for a craft or something) until she finally said "why did I ever have you" "the only thing that comes out of your mouth is negitivity" "its definitely not the way you were raised (lol, that's a total lie and a half)" and "I can't wait till you leave this house"
Then today, something similar happened with just a Wii that has been on the floor for nearly 2 months that she only decided to yell at me now for, two cans of coke on my computer desk, empty, and an old Mark sheet that showed me failing a course back at the very beginning of April.
"Your up to here with me, if you say even one more word, your done for, as well as your computer" "All That ever comes out of your mouth is lies, its never the truth (thats a lie, did she think I was lying when I answered yes to when she asked if I was gay, and admitting to staying up late on my computer on occasion?)" What the hell did I do wrong? Honestly, this whole weekend has basically left me feeling like crap, and wanting more then ever just to walk out and leave this hell hole.
I know theres really nothing I can do about it unless I want to leave HS, which is a possibility, I could always just take it later or something, or I heard there was a test that can be done in order to be equivalent to a high school graduate...anyways, I'm done with my rant for now.
I'm surprised I'm not Emo or have something like ASPD or something, which I'm starting to suspect that I am getting since a lot of the traits of ASPD are fitting me right now. *Sigh*
For ever reads this whole thing, thank you for reading it.
All my life, I've basically been pushed around, bullied, beat up, you name it. I've been a target since Primary, crazy right?
I am now just finishing up my 11th grade in HS, it still happens, but this is where the worst part comes in.
For a while at home now, maybe the last two or three years, I've almost never have been able to have a single conversation with my mother without her yelling the hell out of me for something small.
For instance, I once didn't know of the existence if a 'sock basket' which was in the laundry room, and she decides to yell at me for not knowing where it was since I am never in there anyways.
Theres many other smaller instances such as that one, but thats the one that really gets me, something REALLY stupid, and getting yelled at for it.
The worst of all this is my lack of ability to do what I like with myself, I used to have my computer in my room, but I kept staying on late at night on it, but it never effected my grades or anything, not a bit, but she decides to move it into the basement anyways, and then she took it away for nearly 2 weeks so I would get on a normal sleeping cycle that makes no difference at all for me getting out of bed.
I've had the wanting to leave this stupid house for over a year now, since all anyone treats me like is a waste of their time, even my sisters are like that. I'm basically just a burden to anyone in my family here, usually while I always try to find people online to chat with, because thats the only place that I never get judged and people will actually listen or appreciate me for who I am, someone who is always willing to help others in need whenever I can.
This is the part that really has put me over the edge for wanting to leave here, and I will direct quote this from an IM with a friend yesterday(whom offered that if they had a place, they would let me stay).
- (5:15:55 PM) Trauron: so I was pulled upstairs for the last 45minutes, so my mom could barge through my room and look through all my stuff, and yell at me constantly over little things like batteries being on my bureau or a few pieces of newspaper on my desk (which I could of used for a craft or something) until she finally said "why did I ever have you" "the only thing that comes out of your mouth is negitivity" "its definitely not the way you were raised (lol, that's a total lie and a half)" and "I can't wait till you leave this house"
Then today, something similar happened with just a Wii that has been on the floor for nearly 2 months that she only decided to yell at me now for, two cans of coke on my computer desk, empty, and an old Mark sheet that showed me failing a course back at the very beginning of April.
"Your up to here with me, if you say even one more word, your done for, as well as your computer" "All That ever comes out of your mouth is lies, its never the truth (thats a lie, did she think I was lying when I answered yes to when she asked if I was gay, and admitting to staying up late on my computer on occasion?)" What the hell did I do wrong? Honestly, this whole weekend has basically left me feeling like crap, and wanting more then ever just to walk out and leave this hell hole.
I know theres really nothing I can do about it unless I want to leave HS, which is a possibility, I could always just take it later or something, or I heard there was a test that can be done in order to be equivalent to a high school graduate...anyways, I'm done with my rant for now.
I'm surprised I'm not Emo or have something like ASPD or something, which I'm starting to suspect that I am getting since a lot of the traits of ASPD are fitting me right now. *Sigh*
For ever reads this whole thing, thank you for reading it.
(no subject)
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winterblueart
date: May. 20th, 2008 08:55 am (UTC)
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First let's put one thing straight: You haven't - done - anything - wrong. You really haven't. I mean, I've got stuff lying around in my room or forget about something and all that stuff, but never get yelled for it. Among other things. From what I've read, your mother has an inner conflict with herself, not with you. I can't really tell what it is, but something along the lines of high stress and unfullfilment in life.
Right now, it doesn't really seem to matter if you start a conversation with her, like you stated. All it would end up with is yelling and whatever things. Now this is very immature behaviour, obviously. An explosive reaction. Every time again. There are ways to break that pattern. You actually made attemps to it by talking about feelings, from what I've read. That is indeed a good attempt, but the approach didn't work out.
Two ways that I think could be the start of a change: 1. Buy her something. Even if it's just something small. It's the gesture that counts, that no matter what, she is and will always be your mother for life. Remind her of that and show appreciation. She might feel unfulfillment because she's missing you on the inside, wearing this mask you get to see on the outside.
2. A less gentle way, but confront her and talk about your feelings. I know you tried before, but this time make a recording of the fight and yelling. Preferably audio and video, and show it to her. Commonly people don't realise how they react when they are in a fit. This will give her oppertunity to view herself from your perspective. No absolute guarantees on this one, but it can be really helpful, if not, showing it to others.
Whatever you do, don't yell back. That's like adding fuel to the fire. I know it's tough, but try to resist. Don't try to ignore her either.
Lastly, I don't really think you want to abandon your relationship with your mother or family, just by running away after school. I have the feeling that you simply miss her. That you miss them all. They don't give you support, they don't give you reliability, they don't give you respect, they don't show you love. And you're missing that. And when you run away from them, you always will, for life, untill it is too late. You might find it elsewhere ofcourse, but your mother's and family one is a fundemental relationship.
I know things won't change overnight, even though I badly wish it did for you. But aslong as you keep trying, breaking the pattern, and show respect, you might just being shown respect shortly after.
People advicing you getting a mediator is all nice and well, but expensive aswell, not to mention the suggestion to get one towards her. And reminding you of Canadian Forces? Heh well sorry, but that sounds like bull to me! You can do alot better than that. It's just a matter of breaking the pattern and not running away.
However, those are my thoughts with no guarantess whatsoever. But atleast, I hope it made you feel better and understood things in a more different way.
*hugs you* Be safe!
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